Missed me, have you?

Going through Steph-withdrawal is a terrible, yet inevitable, thing. It's clear you miss my witty banter, elaborate stories, and overall positive impact on your lives. Who wouldn't? Shit, I should be the next pope after that new geezer kicks it. But don't cry (Tommy), I may be busy, but I will always have time for my blog friends. Even though none of your are my real friends (mostly because I have no real friends, except that JP kid who hangs around my apartment). God! Enough! Carry on!

I'm going crazy! Who gives a shit about Torts anyway? Here's my take on torts: it is a bullshit way for idiots to blame someone else for their complete lack of common sense. These are the morons who try to drive over the tracks and (hark!) are hit by a train. They try to compensate for their own stupidity and dumb moves by blaming someone else who was unlucky enough to share common ground with them.

So I got towed yesterday. In a nutshell, JP and I were on North Ave. and had already PAID to park at a parking deck while we were at Borders. There's $7.75. After leaving Borders, we passed the Gap and we decided "Hell, let's stop in, try on a pair of jeans, and get a free iTune." So I pull into this parking lot directly across the street from the Gap, pull into a space and look along the entire wall in front of me. All of the signs say "30 Minute Parking." So we think we're in the clear. Go in, free iTune, come back out about 20 mins later. "JP...where's your car?" I go into Starbucks and, livid with them, I say in my snottiest voice: "Did you tow my car?" and they proceed to tell me that they don't do that, the parking lot is owned by someone else blah blah blah. So I ask this kid if he saw a car get towed and he says he's seen about 10 cars get towed in the last half hour. What? I wasn't here for more than 30 minutes. A mystery...this called for my detective work.

So I put on my Sherlock Holmes hat and, along with 2 other couples who had the exact same situation as me and JP, figure out that we need to walk down to the towing place and get our cars. They had a sign on the complete OTHER side of the parking lot that said if you leave the premises, they will tow your car. So they have fuckers waiting there and watching to see where you go. So one side of the parking lot is labeled as "30 minute parking" while the other says to not leave the property. Ok, but let's keep in mind that this parking lot is not affiliated with any of the stores by it. So why can I go into Starbucks and you won't tow my car but I can't go across the street to the Gap? Neither of the stores own the parking lot but I can go to one and not the other. Clearly, they purposely mislead people into thinking it's 30 minute parking. So we walk about a mile and a half to the corner of Division and Halsted to get JP's car. Does this ring a bell to anyone?! We had to walk through CABRINI FUCKING GREEN to get the car, the car that we parked and were scammed into paying $150.00 to get back.

So I'm getting into it with the lady behind the counter who is charging me 150 bones to get my car that was parked for less than 20 mins. Then I tell her "Well, see, I am a lawyer..." you know, total Star Jones/Tracy Morgan style. Anyway...didn't work. So I'm currently trying to figure out what my next move will be because this was clearly a planned out scam.

Moral of the story: I paid $157.75 for a song on iTunes. Oh, and then, when I got home, I scratched off the lottery-ticket-like stuff that covers the code for my free iTune, and ended up scratching off the top layer so I can't even read the code. So no iTune for me at all. What a fucking day. God damn fucking Jews.

I'm going to buy a guitar and start taking guitar lessons again. I took a guitar class in high school but really only remember about 4 chords, so I definitely need to refresh my memory here. There's something about playing music that is supposed to aid you in education, right? Something about how kids in the music program perform better on standardized tests? Well, it probably won't help me unless I play clarinet like I did in the 5th grade. Ya, that's right, I played the clarinet. My music career started with that wierd duck-sounding woodwind. Cool? You betcha.

On another note...secrets ruin families guys. So let's not keep any (hilarious) secrets from eachother in the friend group, ok? They all come out anyway. No sense trying to hide them, let's all share the humor together and have a good laugh. I heard a good one yesterday and believe me, I laughed and laughed.

I wonder how much spam I'll get in my comments section. I read Schneider's post and saw that he had 12 comments...I think 10 of them were hilarious spammers. "Nice blog. Good work! I have an excellent bench press routine, check it out at this site!"

I have literally gone crazy (ok ok, I didn't literally shit my pants, but I literally wet the bed). Today on the train to work, there was some huge black guy just staring at me. So I ignored him and prayed that he wasn't Candyman for the majority of the trip. Then Andrew WK's "NYC" came on, and I felt a surge of confidence, so the next time I looked up and he was still blatantly staring, I asked him "Can I help you with something sir?" And he just looked away. Then, as if that wasn't too bold, I decided to one-up him with "That's right, stop staring at me." What? Steph, you're a fargin' idiot! Shut your mouth while you're still ahead/alive. He didn't say anything but my sass was definitely unnecessary and I have found that Andrew WK makes my muscles bulge and my body get oily and my clothes change to And1 shorts and a muscle shirt with the sleeves cut off. I am a monster.

Trivial pursuit tonight: Babies v. Oldie Hawns.

This was a long post. I wonder if anyone read all of it. Probably not. I wouldn't either.

Calling all Babies

Jeff and Dan are trying to recruit players for a last minute softball game.

We've got 5 players so far. So we need a lot more. If you want to play today around 5, I think Jeff said in Washington Park, email him or Dan.

Gary said you oldies are going to be hard to mobilize, due to your bad knees, hip replacements and general lethargy. So try to get moving now so we babies can kick your asses this time. OH and try to play with some girls in the infield.

KB

You're looking at a changed girl here

I have officially started law school (which would explain my lack of posts/comments). Today is my third and final day of orientation and my Legal Writing class started yesterday. I have an assignment for today's class, actually. I haven't started. Obvious. So far it hasn't been that bad. And so far I haven't alienated myself from my classmates by being an asshole or a wierdo. With time though.

My last day of work was last Wednesday. I thought I would need Thursday and Friday of last week to get all of my shit sorted out (getting my books, my ID card, setting up my computer for DePaul's wireless network, etc.). But it turns out that I just spent a lot of time watching daytime television. I love watching all of those shows that I used to like when I was younger (ie: Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Step by Step, and of course Roseanne), but it's so much more depressing watching them during the day as opposed to during primetime. TGIF used to be the best (and Gary should stop reading this post now because he doesn't even know what TGIF is...then again, Tommy might not either), but now all of these shows are partnered with the most depressing commercials. We all know how advertising works...companies will buy time according to the audience that will be watching a certain program. So it makes sense that only online colleges and dating services and shitty job advertisements make the cut during daytime television ("Many criminals run free everyday" cue some wierd shot of a guy running and an overhead spotlight somehow losing him as he makes a bee line through the open street..."You can become a police officer and stop criminals, just enroll today and you can have your degree in 72 hours and save the world!"). It made me feel like I was some fat slob, jobless, dreamless, and worthless. What am I doing at home? Go see Chicago. Go walk around your new campus. Stop being such a piece of shit, Steph. God, I just wanted to relax while I still had time to do so, but I just ended up tearing up at what kind of losers are home during the day, watching the same programs that I was. So I made a deal with myself to only watch Roseanne and stuff on HBO/On Demand during the day in hopes of keeping my spirits up and not drowning myself in the bathtub.

On a lighter note, I'm excited about this weekend. Maybe I won't post exactly where we'll be because random "socialites" who I don't know or talk to could read this and follow us and murder us. It IS Friday the 13th and all. (No it's not Steph!) I know Tommy. Jesus.

Jesus, does anyone?

Dopple Gangars - Numero the first

J.P. and I get off the Metra after another long, boring day of work/school. I lift my depressed head that stares at the ground as I walk only to spy...


Hey, is that...nah...but it looks like...
Let's get a closer look J.P.


Wait a second...is it? No, i toulcn't be...
Again, let's get closer.


It is! Phillips, what are you doing here?! Nice headphones though, you Aussie lovin' vagina.

What I plan on doing after law school

(I don't get it either.)

My work life

I just wanted to share this with all of you.

We get reports from the crime lab regarding evidence picked up by police (they test to confirm that the green leafy substance they found is actually weed, etc.). I just opened the reports we received today and they confirmed this:

Substance: Spermatozoa positive pubic hair combings.

HA! Too bad they don't send samples. I would have sent this one straight to my dear friends in Boston.

Belated road trip pics

Boston or bust

It begins...



dfgj;sdlkfjg;aldkfjg;alueoirueb;alkasjdf

Sweet BJ.



Excuse me doctor.


Making good use of Taco Bell kids' toys.


Tommy's courtyard.

Belated road trip pics #2

For some reason, Mikey had a lot of those Oh Yes cakes. I think the only person who ate one was Voss.



This one is for Cindy.


Tommy had to make a call in NYC.


Will and I were singing to Kelly Clarkson. That's not a joke. He loves her. He may try to deny it, but I've seen him getting crazy with Breakaway.

This is right before (or after?) Tommy had sex with a hobo.


The last supper.



And you want to be my latex salesman?



We all cried when Danger rides tried to toss in the towel.

The cold tea incident.



Best looking Danger rides clan ever.


Some Cambridge bar. At last call, they wouldn't serve us shots. So they gave us beers. It made a lot of sense.


Boomsma is seriously peeing in the corner.



Will's angry that the road trip is over.

Random pics

After I puked in front of my boss and made it thru a terrible hangover and wanting to DIE, I tried to eat birthday cake. Then it went stale and stunk up our entire apartment. It smelled like feet.


I've always told J.P. he should show his nipples more often. I wish they were as big as dinner plates. What?


So in love.


J.P.'s real friends. He hates all of you. Sorry.


Classic flippies. And Illinois beats Iowa...again.


No you're cuter!!


I took this picture while driving on I 80. I seriously look like DJ from Rosanne here, don't you think Tommy? Maybe not DJ, but some wierd ugly boy for sure.


Teddy!

If you think women glow instead of sweat, you should probably skip this post

I have two topics to cover.

1. I have somewhat of a phobia of taking a shit in public places. I can't really explain it. Granted, it's gotten a lot better recently, I'm starting to get over it. But, I do have to take the occasional shit while I'm at work, and as nice as the office bathroom is, it is a little too close to home for me (don't shit where you eat, ya know?). So I recently decided to make a little game out of my bowel movements. I am trying to cover all the bathrooms in the area (the assorted courthouse bathrooms, the bathrooms in the law offices and professional buildings around my office, etc...). I've christened a great deal of them by now, and I am happy to report that the courthouse is full of my shit (literally..."I literally shit my pants!"). However, at 33 N. County Street (right next door to my office) is a 6 story professional building with attorney's offices and court reporters and the like. Each story has a bathroom, and this was my next quest. I got to floor 3, but yesterday, aiming for numero cuatro, I noticed the bathroom was locked. What? Locked? But why? So I checked the 5th floor. Locked. 6th? Locked. Every fucking bathroom was locked! This was novel, considering I've used the first 3 bathrooms in the past but they are now inaccessible to anyone without a key. And might I add that you have to REQUEST the key. Ahem...no, I will not be doing that. So alas, my game has defeated me. I'll have to pull a Boomsma and just poop in a bag. While driving. On Interstate 74. Too far?

2. My second topic of conversation is: everyone else in the world. What are they thinking? A quote from sophomore year: "Hell is other people." I've decided that I really need to start taking my camera with me everywhere I go because the world is full of walking jokes. I think I need to start my own spin-off (who's kidding who here? total replica/copy) of Vice's Do's and Don'ts section. I won't be nearly as witty or hilarious, but maybe Will can be in charge of the comments. Take yesterday for example. I got off the train in Waukegan (prime spot for these photos) and, within 10 feet, saw a woman wearing Chicago Bulls slouch socks (while wearing shorts!) and an overweight woman wearing a light blue, too tight, SEE THROUGH skirt. Ok lady, if I have to see you, that's enough...but to see your fat rolls, flat flat FLAT ass, and your white granny panties is entirely too much and it brought that gag reflux into action. If I'd looked hard enough, I think I could have seen her ass crack. It was terrible. I know I'm no supermodel and I don't by any means consider myself the beau monde, but jesus. That phrase "Think before you speak" should be morphed into "Look before you leave." Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to make the world a better place, I want to photograph it and laugh.

This post was gross and mean.
So, hell it is then, huh Steph?

And just to appease Will...JP's sister (KG not to be confused with KB) brought our attention to something that NEEDS to be on this blog:





P.S. I think "Burn it up" is the best song on the R. Kelly CD.

If Will hates cats that much, why is he laughing at their jokes?

So when is this second game going to happen?

The Early Bird Specials have a traitor.