Chuck Norris does not sleep...

He waits.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

JP has turned me onto a radio show that boggles my mind. Boors and Bernstein (sp? no idea) talked about the website chucknorrisfacts.com and it is hysterical. Sort of Brasky-esque but the fact that anyone would create this site about Chuck Norris makes my vagina clam up as if I were a smoker. I think you should all visit. The site, not my clammed-up vagina.

I read everyone else's posts about the weekend, so why not give my take on the festivities? I missed out on the snowball fight because I'm a tit. I was at Ye Olde Crystal place but took off when my new revelations were solidified (of which I won't post on this blog)...Ms. Daley. What is Steph talking about? Oh shut your mouth.

Saturday I tried to do some homework but got sucked into the abyss that is MTV's show Next. God, have you watched this show? I love the ones with the gays. This show isn't even like a guilty pleasure...it's so much more than that. It's more of a "You can't shun me for watching this terrible show because I KNOW you watch it too and there is no humanly possible way to dislike it." I mean, Chuck Norris watches it. And his tears cure cancer. And his semen is what is in the Bucket of Truth (hello Upright Citizen's Brigade - blast from the past) and in the Goblet of Fire. (I think I'll try to add that Chuck Norris fact to the website.)

Then we went to the atsy-fartsy show. There's nothing like an art show to make you feel inadequate when you talk to people there. I decided to just get drunk and see what happens. That is always my mistake of the night. I relayed to Dozer that I knew of his bull dozing and that it was ok that I knew this fact because our group is so incestuous that everyone knows of everyone's bull dozing. It was a good time, all in all, but it made me cry and die a little bit inside. Scratch that...Chuck Norris would never say such a thing. Scissor kick.

Then we went to some party of some girl who used to live with Jenn or something like that. Bottom line...they ran out of beer. Then I gave $10 to the pool to get more, and never saw any more beer. Asshole hipsters. Oh, and the guy who lived there had the audacity to say he has his own library that he allows people to check out books from. Yes...he has a cabinet of books (which in reality was probably about half the amount that JP and I have) and he lets people check them out because he has such outstanding literary taste that everyone wants to be a member of his public library and give him a rusty trombone Chuck Norris style. Then I started a duel with Mo-Joe about Illinois basketball because they should have killed Iowa.

Who gives a shit about 2006?

Happy New Year jerks. How I've missed you all. Recap of my holiday season? Sure thing...

Christmas...went home for a few days, got drunk with high school friends because we have nothing to talk about. Went to a wedding in Iowa, got drunk. Got some sweet gifts. JP got me two pearl necklaces. One I'll wear in public and the other is for special occasions that follow a rusty trombone.

Off to NYC for a few days. Got drunk. Spent too much money. Walked around some trash. Seriously, NY made me miss Chicago. I missed knowing where I was and how to get places, I missed having sidewalks that weren't covered with trash bags that no one seems to clear away, I missed bars that don't have pretentious bouncers at the door (aside from Rainbo). Other than that, it was a pretty sweet trip. Aside from Tommy being locked out because we're all drunks and losing my ID, droppin' so many hamiltons never felt so good.

Now onto business. There's some hostility in the group and I think we all need to give each other head and get over it. What's done is done, why don't we all shut up and be friends. Ok? Ok. And Ruby, the blog roast was a joke. I don't think your blog sucks. So no more posts/comments about it. I love you Kenny.

I have a few New Year's resolutions...
1. Get drunk a lot more
2. Admit to my friends that I like the Wallflowers
3. Drop less Hamiltons (unless used for cupcakes or reasonably priced prostitutes)
4. Catch that stinkin' Bowser and rescue the princess!
5. Make some Illi-NOISE with B-Hof
6. Get some quality Boo-Yah time with JP
7. Become a born again Christian, virgin, and narcissist
8. Figure out that pesky DaVinci Code
9. See some hoboken (that's my code word for hobo sex)
10. Come up with/use a lot more racial slurs
11. Get more sexy posters of Roseanne Arnold for my room
12. Watch every single Roseanne episode ever made
13. Three words: Shakin' Babies Reunion!
14. Figure out what Soduko (?) is and fucking GET RID OF IT
15. Figure out where I got syphillis
16. No more vodka-soaked tampons in my ass (move it to the front to try something new)
17. Stop responding to law professors' questions in class with "I don't know...faggot."
18. Not tell anyone about Tommy having sex with a transsexual in NY
19. Write to Fox and beg them to bring back Temptation Island
20. MORE DEAD BABY JOKES

Happy 2k6!

21. Never use the phrase "2k6" again