An apology

Dear blog,

I'm sorry about neglecting you lately. I used to write on you almost everyday. Then along came Myspace. He was cuter than you, more interactive, and you could look at pictures of people you knew in high school to see how fat they are now. It was a new, fresh relationship; full of excitement and novel ideas. You became old and boring, so I left you on the side of the street like a bag of garbage. But every now and again, I'd stop by your place to see if you'd changed or had something new to say. You never did.

Then came Facebook. Ohhhh sexy and fresh-faced like a 12 year old Facebook. I'm smitten. So I wrote you off like I did my fake friends Moe and Scottie and moved on to bigger and better things once again. And I ditched that mongoloid Myspace as well. Now Facebook and I party all day and fuck all night. Jealous?

But, really, I do feel bad about how I've treated you. So I offer my sincerest apologies for being such a bad blogger. However, I'm not going to change for you. You're not any good at rim jobs anyway. Hope you can forgive me someday, but if not, go fuck yourself.

Tuman's is closed. Grow up.

BRAUN!!!!!!!!

SNL - Sloths

Andy Samberg isn't in this video, but it's still fucking hilarious.

What? no rsvps?

Classic. Anyway I can't keep track of who is coming so I would like to have a guest list here so others can view and decide if they want to come or not.

Also, gumbo is very expensive and Gary and I are not fat cats, so we need some help in the food and boose department.

I think if everyone brings a 30, we should be good. Ruby is taking care of breakfast Saturday morning. But beyond that, here are a list of items that we need, sign up for something in my comments. thanks.

burgers/buns (2people)
dogs/buns (2people)
4 things of OJ
ice 4 bags-friday night
ice 4 bags-saturday night

chips (couple bags)-Will
salsa (multiple jars)-Will
Green Bean Cassorole- Steph

Also- side dishes for the gumbo would be much appreciated! If you plan to bring one sign up so there are no duplicates.

What? You didn't know?

It's my birthday month, bitches! Get ready. The tentative plan is to bring that gaylord Tommy in from the east coast for a show with the Part V. So far, nothing is set in stone, but if any of you want to keep your balls, I suggest you get things moving. Ok, I'm kidding about the balls thing. I know none of you had balls to begin with.






Any of you guys looking for a new place to stay?

My day with Petunia

I bought a new bike earlier this week and named the beauty Petunia. She's a lovely blue Schwinn cruiser. She's only a 3 speed which is fine for the most part, but she won't let me back pedal (put it in her butt), so I guess that's her only downfall. I wanted to get better acquainted with her, so I took her out, in hopes that she'd let me put it in her later.


We started out at Wicker Park. I figured we'd walk around and take in some nice scenery (bums and garbage).



Petunia, like Tommy, was more interested in watching kids play. Pervert.



She wanted to play chess, but no one would play against her. She's too good. Some call her Bobby Fisher.



I even took the skank to get Gelatto. That's a sure way to get in a girl's pants.



Then I gave Petunia my credit card and told her to go buy herself something nice. About an hour later, I walk outside my apartment and find this:



What a fucking slut. I leave her alone and she gets drunk with some dude? Well, you know what happened next. I locked her up like I do all my bitches. That'll learn her.



Heartbroken, I sat on my front porch, listened to Sean Kingston, and thought about Petunia and her asshole beau...
"You're way too beautiful girl, that's why it'll never work. You have me suicidal, suicidal when you say it's over..."





This post reiterates what my mom tells me constantly: I need a job.

Interested in Kate Winslet's boobs?

Ya, I thought so. Well, you can see plenty of them in a good movie that I watched last night called "Little Children." It's pretty entertaining and there's some quality T&A, so look it up. Not quite as entertaining as "Slither" but hey, you win some, you lose some. My favorite quote from "Slither" comes from the mayor:

"You can sue them, too. I don't care if you're a lesbo, you don't deserve this shit."

I'm going to post some pics within the next few days, so get ready. They won't be as good looking as Kate's chesties, but just remember, I'm only one lesbo. I mean person.